I revealed recently that I was raped at 19 by a clinical psychologist and psychology professor, Ernest Matuschka, at what is now the University of Nebraska at Kearney. He was my college professor, my counselor, and my advisor. My best friend knew him and chose to believe I was “exaggerating,” so I didn’t tell anyone else for a long time. Several years later, Matuschka lost his professional license for sexually abusing his patients. The attorney for the women who sued him said he was “the personification of evil.”

I wrote this poem about a year after it happened. Denial is a strong protection mechanism, and it took me a long time to make the connection. I’m publishing it now as a thank you to brave women like Rose McGowan, Asia Argento, Annabella Sciorra, and Darryl Hannah. Please forgive the amateurish efforts of a young poet. I post it here in the hope it may help someone else as they struggle with the life-altering effects of rape. You are not alone.

Earthly Night

Questioning the rites and songs of bedtime
her conscience rustles under silent sheets
and waitingly she dreads the moment bodies meet
the broken blessing few have known sublime

Staring as one who secretly witnesses crime
she follows his hands that take no time to greet
her softly, but prod and pry as they pleat
their way down furrows left to time

She can hear her mother calling over the sound
of sighing springs; calling out that only
hell will harbor what she’s left to earthly night
And as his trembles quickly crumble round
her thighs, she lowers her lids slowly
listening to darkness and watching the lights go out

~ Cynthia Bowling
Denver, CO