Earthly Nights

I revealed recently that I was raped at 19 by a clinical psychologist and psychology professor, Ernest Matuschka, at what is now the University of Nebraska at Kearney. He was my college professor, my counselor, and my advisor. My best friend knew him and chose to believe I was “exaggerating,” so I didn’t tell anyone else for a long time. Several years later, Matuschka lost his professional license for sexually abusing his patients. The attorney for the women who sued him said he was “the personification of evil.”

I wrote this poem about a year after it happened. Denial is a strong protection mechanism, and it took me a long time to make the connection. I’m publishing it now as a thank you to brave women like Rose McGowan, Asia Argento, Annabella Sciorra, and Darryl Hannah. Please forgive the amateurish efforts of a young poet. I post it here in the hope it may help someone else as they struggle with the life-altering effects of rape. You are not alone.

Earthly Night

Questioning the rites and songs of bedtime
her conscience rustles under silent sheets
and waitingly she dreads the moment bodies meet
the broken blessing few have found sublime

Staring as one who secretly witnesses crime
she follows his hands that take no time to greet
her softly, but prod and pry as they pleat
their way down furrows left to time

She can hear her mother calling over the sound
of sighing springs; calling out that only
hell will harbor what she’s left to earthly night
And as his trembles quickly crumble round
her thighs, she lowers her lids slowly
listening to darkness and watching the lights go out

~ Cynthia Bowling
Denver, CO


Comments

Earthly Nights — 2 Comments

  1. I was sexually abused by him, too. I recently sat down and wrote my story – nearly a half decade after it all happened. I did not know he had lost his license for this.

    • I am sorry to hear this happened to you. Ernie lost his license in 1992 for having sex with clients and for billing/tax fraud. Here is the California record, under Psychologists: http://www.mbc.ca.gov/publications/newsletters/action_report_1993_05.pdf. He is retired and living in Arizona now. His wife, Verla, chose to stay with him.

      I heard about it shortly after he lost his license and contacted the attorney for the women who sued him. He said Ernie took the stand and admitted what he had done, and had no remorse. His malpractice insurer settled immediately thereafter. I was finally able to share my story as part of the #MeToo movement on Twitter after reading Annabella Sciorra’s brave recounting of how Harvey Weinstein raped and continually harassed her. It has been very good for me, and I hope the same happens for you. I wish I had been able to do it many years ago, but it took a long time for me to face the reality of what had happened and its long term impact on my life.

      I worked for MediaNews Group for six years and left in 2012. If you are ever in the Denver area and would like to get together over coffee, I would be happy to do that. But I would certainly understand if you would prefer not to do so. I hope writing your story has given you some peace. We both deserved better.

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